Rant: If There is a Hell, I’m Fairly Certain This Will Be Mine

by Kelly Thomas Reardon

If there’s a Hell, I’m pretty sure mine would be walking through downtown Chicago, during rush hour, when it’s raining slightly harder than a drizzle. Hear me out.

For some reason, when there’s ANY inclimate weather — rain, snow, sleet, heat, cold, anything — there is an apparent drop in IQ across the general population of approximately 50 points. I understand the additional distraction of having to bend your elbow, clench your fist, and keep a one pound umbrella upright, but I don’t think that should excuse you from having to be courteous to others.

I bet that optometrists pray for these types of days. How many cases of “sharp point of a poorly manned umbrella into the eye” do they get on days like these? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve narrowly escaped the loss of half of my optics because of numb to the world idiots on light rainy days. And you know these are the same fuckers driving their cars (also in inclimate weather) while texting, knob tweaking the radio, eating and applying makeup/shaving (no sexism here).

Also, the seemingly mandatory avoidance of even the slightest puddle perplexes me. We aren’t Cro-Magnon Man anymore. We have shoes. We have the technology to keep our feet dry while walking through the elements. If you step into a 1/16″ puddle, you won’t fall down the rabbit hole with Alice. Now, I will make an exception for ladies that have open toe shoes on, although you should have checked the weather, and yes, I realize that the forecast can be wrong or rapidly change here in Chicago. If your feet are not exposed, just step in the damn puddle. 99 times out of 100, the puddle isn’t deep enough to go over the sole of your shoes in the weather conditions I’m describing. If you’re wearing gym shoes or boots, you really have no excuse to dance around puddles.

In conclusion: everyone watch what the fuck you’re doing with your umbrella and relax with the puddles.