Ask a Tough Guy with John Scott: Outtakes

by Kelly Thomas Reardon

I’m sure by now, you’ve all seen the Blackhawks TV segment with John Scott entitled “Ask a Tough Guy.” Reaching out to my contacts that I put to great use with Blackhawks Down Low and Puck Drunk Love, I managed to get a hold of some transcripts of several questions to Mr. Scott that were removed before publication. Take a gander below.

Question 1: “John, I too am a gruesome looking individual. How in the hell did you manage to get married and can you teach me the Jedi Mind Trick you clearly used on your wife? -Desperately Disgusting”

John Scott: “Dear Desperately, I’m sorry to hear that, you too, have been cursed with a hideous mug that even a mother couldn’t love. Unfortunately, I can’t teach you the Ways of the Force. If I did, then it would get out to everyone, and I’d have to figure out some new trick.”

Question 2: “John, You’re geniuinely terrible at the sport of ice hockey when you’re not fighting. At this point why don’t you just become a boxer? -Curious Craig”

JS: “Dear Craig: Trust me, I’m just as shocked as you are that I’m being paid a hefty pittance to play a sport professionally that I’m not at all that good at. It’s nice to have a niche skill like GENETICALLY LARGE, eh? What was your question again?”

Question 3: “John, I figure you’d be the one to ask about this. My cave wall paintings always wind up streaking because my cave-made paint is too thin. How do I thicken that stuff up!? -Artist Andy”

JS: “Dear Andy, Just take a small amount of dirt and mix it in with your paint. It’ll change the color of your paint slightly, but it’ll stick on the wall better! Happy drawing!”

Question 4: “John, How come when I search for “ask a defender john scott” a Wikipedia entry titled “Anal Cunt” comes up? -Scared Susan” (seriously, try this, it was on the first page)


JS: “Dear Susan: Clearly it’s because I stink at hockey as badly as something called an ‘anal cunt’ would if such a thing existed.”