The Nashville Predators Has a Solution for YOUR Lockout Doldrums!

by Kelly Thomas Reardon

Yesterday, I was hipped to an email that the Nashville Predators sent out. Below is a screencap.

Snap_2012-11-17_at_16

Holy fucking hell BROOMBALL! Man, if there was ever any sport on the planet that could rival the finesse, skill, speed, and physicality of world class ice hockey, it’s definitely gotta be a bunch of schlubs playing BROOMBALL. 

Below is a list of all the things that are different between hockey and BROOMBALL:

  • Hockey is played on an iced surface. BROOMBALL is played on exotic concreate floors!
  • Hockey is played with sticks that are made out of things out of a science fiction movie: carbon fiber, synthetic plastics. BROOMBALL is played with what look like plastic training shovels that the summer intern scooping up monkey crap at the zoo would use!
  • Hockey is played with ice skates that are custom fitted, sharpened to the player’s exact specifications, and take advantage of advanced physics. BROOMBALL is played with gym shoes! Or not! Play in bare feet! Who cares!? It’s fucking BROOMBALL! WOOOOO!
  • Hockey is played with a disc of vulcanized rubber. BROOMBALL is played with what appears to be an inflatable ball that your infant would play with!
  • Hockey requires its players to wear equipment that is akin to body armor because of the violent physical nature of the sport. BROOMBALL requires helmets, gloves, elbow pads and knee pads despite being as dangerous as having a pillowfight with a bunch of 90 year old former Playboy Playmates!
  • Hockey goalies are known to be borderline insane, superstitious, and off-the-wall characters, and who can blame them for that when their job entails stepping in front of 100+mph slapshots from world-class atheletes. BROOMBALL goalies are known for the same, but it’s because they wear a catcher’s chest protector so the impact from a floating inflatable ball doesn’t cave in their chest!

And below is a list of things that are similar between hockey and BROOMBALL:

  • Both are played by carbon-based lifeforms.
  • Both are at equal levels of popularity at the moment.

In conclusion, go fuck yourselves Nashville Predators & Bridgestone Arena. Go. Fuck. Yourselves.

Hugs & Kisses,

NHL Hockey Fans Everywhere.

(P.S. – Stop calling people that bought group tickets to Preds games. In case you haven’t noticed, THERE’S NO FUCKING HOCKEY RIGHT NOW.)

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