Kelly's Look on Life

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Get Out of Troll Jail Free Card

I know! Holy crap, a post!

Shut up you. I’ve been drinking and made a Get Out of Troll Jail Free card. You know…like jail…but for trolls.



Contender for Most Random Dream Ever

First off, I rarely dream. Second, I rarely remember the dreams I actually have. Third, the dreams I do remember are rarely worth sharing.

This one however…

* * *

I find myself driving a black pickup truck. And I’m in a hurry. Please note that I’ve never owned a pickup truck, never desired or envied a pickup truck, and never plan on owning a pickup truck.

Anyways, I pull into the parking lot of where I’m going. It’s HUGE. Think Great America huge. And it is completely packed, with people still trying to get into the lot. Somehow, I find a parking spot and pull in. I jump out of the truck — out of the passenger side for some reason — and grab my hockey bag out of the bed of the truck. Nearby, I see two teammates from my real-life hockey team who are also grabbing their bags of gear. We’re all late, for a game presumably.

For some reason, it seemed a good idea to start changing in the parking lot. Only upper body stuff, no pants flying off at that point. So there we are, our upper halves geared up, still needing to get jocks, hockey pants, socks and skates on. So we grab our bags and head into the facility.

(Somehow, we lose one of our teammates. So it’s just me and one other teammates. Also, I have no idea who the teammates actually are, but I knew they were from my real-life team.)

We walk inside this facility, and as you could have guessed from the size of the parking lot, it’s also ridiculously huge. Some massive sports complex. Anyways, it’s obviously our first time here, because we have no idea where we’re going. That anxiety is compounded by the fact that we’re late.

The person at the lobby desk shows us a map — which looks identical to the map of O’Hare airport — and directs us where we have to go. We take off and as we get to the area where our team has just started the game, they’re in a pool. In bathing suits. Not in hockey gear. Not playing hockey.

Without missing a beat, I yell out “I’ll be out there in a few!” and we run into the locker room…and continue to get dressed in hockey gear. As I’m suiting up, I turn to my left and Justin Bieber is sitting there getting geared up as well. Justin Fucking Bieber is apparently on my hockey team. We start to have a conversation that goes somewhat like this:

Me: “So, Justin, are you playing for us this winter?”

JB: “Nah, I don’t think so.”

Me: “What the fuck man?”

JB: “Sorry. ….. Hey, by the way, I know of something that can help your acne.”

Me: “Bwah?”

(At this point, he compares something on my face to a vagina, but this part of the dream is fuzzy.)

(Also, at this point, the dream jumps to a different point in time…)

Now I’m in the back seat of another car. A regular sedan, black. I’m laying down in the backseat and we’re driving through mountains, and it’s very foggy. The car has the air conditioning on and for some reason, there’s a vent in the door, right by where my head is resting. The air is blowing right on my face, very cold. Also, I distinctly remember that my feet are FREEZING and will not warm up.

* * * 

It’s at this point I woke up. Woke up and was so very confused.

Side note: When telling someone about this dream, I mentioned that at least Bieber being in there wasn’t TOO random. “Why do you say that?” “He’s Canadian and played hockey.” “HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS!?” “It was on Puck Daddy a bunch of times, don’t judge me.”

It must have been the rum last night.

But I thought that was a funny and random dream, and wanted to share it. Feel free to do crackpot dream analysis on it and tell me I’m a serial killer with homoerotic tendencies or something.


Why My Best Friend is Better Than Yours


Eli Manning Is A Winner


Bolland is a Greyhound?


Ask a Tough Guy with John Scott: Outtakes

I’m sure by now, you’ve all seen the Blackhawks TV segment with John Scott entitled “Ask a Tough Guy.” Reaching out to my contacts that I put to great use with Blackhawks Down Low and Puck Drunk Love, I managed to get a hold of some transcripts of several questions to Mr. Scott that were removed before publication. Take a gander below.

Question 1: “John, I too am a gruesome looking individual. How in the hell did you manage to get married and can you teach me the Jedi Mind Trick you clearly used on your wife? -Desperately Disgusting”

John Scott: “Dear Desperately, I’m sorry to hear that, you too, have been cursed with a hideous mug that even a mother couldn’t love. Unfortunately, I can’t teach you the Ways of the Force. If I did, then it would get out to everyone, and I’d have to figure out some new trick.”

Question 2: “John, You’re geniuinely terrible at the sport of ice hockey when you’re not fighting. At this point why don’t you just become a boxer? -Curious Craig”

JS: “Dear Craig: Trust me, I’m just as shocked as you are that I’m being paid a hefty pittance to play a sport professionally that I’m not at all that good at. It’s nice to have a niche skill like GENETICALLY LARGE, eh? What was your question again?”

Question 3: “John, I figure you’d be the one to ask about this. My cave wall paintings always wind up streaking because my cave-made paint is too thin. How do I thicken that stuff up!? -Artist Andy”

JS: “Dear Andy, Just take a small amount of dirt and mix it in with your paint. It’ll change the color of your paint slightly, but it’ll stick on the wall better! Happy drawing!”

Question 4: “John, How come when I search for “ask a defender john scott” a Wikipedia entry titled “Anal Cunt” comes up? -Scared Susan” (seriously, try this, it was on the first page)


JS: “Dear Susan: Clearly it’s because I stink at hockey as badly as something called an ‘anal cunt’ would if such a thing existed.”

Book Review: 11/22/63 by Stephen King


Stephen King’s time-traveling, alternate reality creating adventure 11/22/63 was an amazing read for me on several levels. It took me awhile to read, but not because it was difficult to read. It’s easily a page turner, keeping you invested by waiting to see how the story turns and how history, both mundane and era-defining, will change (or not).

Jake Epping’s journey back into the late fifties and early sixties is incredibly compelling to read about, especially having been born in the eighties. The differences in how life was lived back in the fifities and sixties, and today are striking and play integral parts to the story. Also seeing how Kennedy was preceived, but both negatively and positively, by ordinary citizens was a treat. Nearly everything I heard surrounding JFK in my life has been positive, and seeing why he was disliked was interesting.

Seeing how quickly entwined in not one, but two communities while simply just trying to pass the time until the time his missions came to fruition was interesting. How those communities effected Jake’s choices and mindset around both his day-to-day life and his missions was interesting and heartwrenching at times.

There’s never a clear cut indication of how Jake’s actions and how his existence is effecting the future. And that’s a very good thing. It keeps you interested and reading because you can’t wait until the end of the book to find out how everything has changed. Once that moment comes, and you see the effect of Jake’s mission, your mind is blown. The way Jake handles that moment is incredibly brave and selfless, but becomes depressing when you realize the sacrifice he’s making, even beyond what he’s already sacrificed.

Even if you aren’t turned on by the idea of a time traveling novel, it is incredibly interesting and crescendos into a mind-blowing finale. By the end of the book you want to cry, smile and just shake your head at what happened.

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